you completely know the power that you have
the only one makes me laugh
no one knows me the way you know me
so you'll probably always have a spell on me...

((:

i've found the friend i need in you,
the one that makes everythin' feel so perfect.
the one that fills the depression with smiles.
you probably don't know,
but you're one in a million
thank YOU ((:

I guess there's nothing much left for me to say.

How could you lose something you never had?


N76 ((:

JAG'S PARTY on sat was the sex ((:
we played this silly game, where the loser had to do something really disgusting like lick someone else's armpit, bite someone's earlobe, bite someone's toenail and yea you get the point, really disgusting stuff. so in the end, i had to bite jag's earlobe! haha, and jag had to lick jiten's really sweaty and hairy armpit. haha, so sick!!
anyway jag, you've been an awesome friend this 13 years, and i really love you alot ((:

the party gave me temporary happiness.

its so funny, cause when i say something, it doesn't impact you much but when A says it, it becomes so impactful. it gets up my nerves. it really hurts to know that things aren't like what they used to be. & it really sucks cause you don't care anymore, well you never did care but at least you used to pretend like you did. you really meant it when you said "the end".

it sucks to know that you don't care.

and don't assume who the "you" is.

whyareyousoimportantsuddenly?
i wish i was like you, i wish i could live one day without you like how you cam live days without me.

its been such bad days, my moodswings, my piling homework and lecture nots that i have yet to read, my lack of inspiration to study, my hathred for bio.

tell me how do i get on with life?

the emoness is getting annoying i know, but like i said if you don't care, fuck off.

& no, i don't need a boyfriend.
thats not important.
i need something else.

still I wonder why it is,
i don't argue like this,
with anyone but you,
we do it all the time,
blowing out my mind

(If you're not in the mood to read something draggy and boring, you can very well fuck off right now.)

Cause i am not pretty, cause i am not hot and that is why i feel so alone and so lost. i wish i was pretty, i wish i was cute, i wish i wasnt like this then i would be loved.

you have to be pretty to have friends and be loved. superficial and shallow, but its true.

Cause you will never know how it feels like. Cause this is not going to end soon. Cause i am too nice.

Sometimes, i really wish i was never this nice. I wish i could really be mean and straightforward. I wish I didn't have to put on a cheery facade all the time. All this pretense, i'm getting so sick and tired of it all. I have lost the person i once was.

I'm too nice. I don't know why. I don't know what i get in return for being nice seriously, cause no one appreciates, no one cares. actually i don't really care if anyone appreciates or not, cause if i am nice to them, it means i love/like them and i'd do anything to make them smile. but in return you know, sometimes you just yearn for someone to do nice things for you too. i've always been the loser, the one at the losing end. the one that wants to make everyone smile. why do i make others smile when i myself am not alright?

when someone does something to make me angry, i want to get angry, i really wanna give them a piece of my mind, but you know i can't. i just say a few words, get irritated for a while, and then after a while i feel bad for the things i said eariler and i say sorry. why? again, i cant answer that.

and right now there's no one close. everyone are just friends. i feel so insecure, like there's no one around me anymore. sometimes, i think we are close but then at times we just feel like strangers. like no one is true anymore. you are just a past time for everyone. you know this feeling sucks. for a moment i feel we are close and then they remind me that we are just F.R.I.E.N.D.S. i've got their back, but they don't have mine.

i smile and i laugh and i really pretend like everything is alright, but you know nothing feels right. everything's so hollow, everything's so empty. if i smile and laugh, its just all fake, i do them for the sake of it. deep down, i wanna sit and cry. but then again, would anyone be there to watch me cry. no.

cause its so easy to find people who want to sit and laugh with you but its so hard to find just that one person who would sit beside you and watch you cry. no one has the time for you and your problems. this is life.

cause i trust too easily. when you're someone i am consider myself close too, i give you all my trust. i tell you everything about myself cause i trust you. i let you be a part of my life cause i trust you. but then again, who cares about trust anymore?

now you tell me, what should i do now that i hit the ground so bad. it hurts so badly that i don't even know what pain feels like anymore. i've become so numb to this feeling. i try not to be bothered by what surrounds, but sometimes i lose my way.

no one knows how i feel. i wish someone could help mend all these broken pieces. i wish someone could make me whole again. i just need someone true. maybe it could just be you.

i have never felt this alone. there are SO many people around me, yet, i feel so alone.

yet, tomorrow when i go to school, i'll greet everone with a smile again and i'd laugh again.
but they're all fucking fake.

being in my shoes suck.
i may have parents that care, i may have materialistic needs, but hell i don have the basic and simplest need.
i don have someone i can call mine.

OCCASSIONALLY, i do feel happy around someone, someone that still makes me smile genuinely. the person may not know, but i'm thankful for that person who makes things feel perfect at times.

yest, mfbm said, we hurt the ones we love.
he doesnt love me yet he hurts me everyday.
no one loves me, yet they hurt me all the time.
so the line has no meaning.
fucking baseless.

k la, if u read all the way to the end, thank you
((:

tomorrow will be a better day!

baby, this game of pretense i play with you,
hurts me so bad.
lying to you & hurting myself.

its just the ego in me,
cause i don't want to appear like the fool again.

once bitten, twice shy.

the pieces of my heart are missing you

I DIDN'T GO SCHOOL TODAY ((:
I'M SUPPOSE TO GET AN MC,
BUT I'M TOO TIRED.

today when i woke up, i had this sudden urge to do something,
something my pure innocent mind would never have thought of,
i had this strange feeling in me, like i felt really excited to do it,
i felt so high, the feeling was indescribable & i can't believe i woke up with such a feeling.
cause its the first time that i have woken up with this kind of feeling.

oh my, can you believe,
when i woke up, i really really had the urge to...
study?

hell yea, you read that fucking right, i really felt so motivated to study today. something is terribly wrong. what a horrible feeling ok. i'd rather wake up feeling horny one morning than wake up with this sudden urge to study. dumbfuck, i tell you.

anyway, so i spend the day studying.
productivity level wasn't that high, but well, i studied la.
i feel good about myself ((:
arisa dropped by for a while to give me the handmade card she made me,
so sweet right? thats my arisa for you.

today jeremy sent me a message that went,

"Ginny, just wondering you know when they say no eating and drinking on the train, does biting your fingernail count as eating?"

i know he was bored so i entertained him and just modified his message, and arisa thought of this anyway

"Jeremy, just wondering when they say no eating and drinking on the train, does swallowing your saliva count as drinking?"

& he replied...

"Yes, got caught before, also got caight for indecent exposure, basking without a license and using magic outside hogwarts without permission."

i swear i got no time for jeremy and his nonsense!

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

1 month.

i don't know to be happy or sad about it.

i thought today would be a bad day,
but it turned out pretty much alright..
maybe close to perfect?

i love the fact that i am a big believer in hope and miracles,
though i see all of them crashing in front of me everyday,
every single fucking day.
sigh.

thats all i have to say today.

((:

& i've got school tomorrow.
ka ni na fuck chee bye!

whats not meant to be yours, can NEVER be yours.


goodbye*

my kindness turned out to be my weakness.
my fatal flaw.

today, i went to school for 30 mins of maths and 1 hour of chem.
((:
don't ask.
& today was such a cold chilly day!
and it doesnt help that the people around are useless and can't keep you warm with their body heat! *AHEM*

so fadhil reminded me of a song that actually speaks of exactly what i am feeling.

As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile?

But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

No one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me

yea so thats it,
everything exactly straight from the heart.
i love you, i need you, but i hate that i love you so.

SMILE.

i'm going to sleep.

today was fucking hilarious!
I LOVE PEIRU'S GUTS TO THE FUCKING CORE!
sorry for the vulgarities la, but still, she's so darn cute!!

anyway,
after school, met peiru and i left to meet farah at junction 8, and so the three of us settled to have KFC. so there we were being our-usual-selves bitching about everyone that wakled passed until peiru spotted some campus superstar guy that i think just got eliminated yesterday? haha! so yea the whole kfc was checking him out and fuck, i didnt know him, but i just stared at him to make him feel popular. but anyhows, he settled down at the table behind us and peiru was so excited and she said, i wanna take photo with him. so she begged me and farah to join in the photo but we didnt want so i just took it for her.

so after that we sat down and all, but somehow he was pretty cute and we couldnt get enough of him so farah and peiru started taking shots of him from afar like secretly. well, farah did try to do it secretly, but peiru had no time for the discrete discrete attitude and so she held the camera up so high and took a shot of him.

then still, like it wasnt enought, peiru wanted to take last shot with him before we left and she wanted me and farah to be aprt of the picture for memory sake. so yea but one person had to take the picture and so i did it and farah took the shot.

then IT STILL WASNT ENOUGH FOR PEIRU! this time it was farah's turn to take the picture and my turn to be part of it! PEIRU GOTTA GO!

but it was really funny, cause peiru was so cute in the midst of all these!

but yea, this guy, whatever his name is, is fucking cute ((:
and yes, peiru took so many pics with him but when we asked her what his name was, she said she didnt know and had to go home and check!!

NO COMMENTS!

anyway studied with farah at bishan library. reaction kinectics and i got no connection.

and i think daniel radcliffe and i are not fated to meet in the cinemas :(


STUDY!

& i tell myself that you're not everything.
but maybe just maybe you're irreplaceable or maybe just maybe i am a fool.
as painful as it seems, you're just going be part of the memories,
memories that make me smile once again when i think back.
i hate the fact that i love you,
but i still do.

you were right when you said that.
_______________________________________
you drew it.

((: i'm a strong girl.

i still don know whats the difference in i need you and i want you!
haha!
maybe thats why i have been feeling this way.
i may have confused my feelings with the truth.

alright, reaction kinetics and maths ((:

aren't you going to do it anymore?
you mean all that was just for the moment?

studied with mary & arisa today,
i didnt accomplish much :(
sigh,
now i'm sleepy but there's gp essay to do.
gottago.

see, i need to know who, but i cant ask.
argh..

i wanna watch harry potter.

anyway when mary was walking me home just now, my dad's car went past. i didnt notice so when i came home, my dad said "ur boyfriend is so sweet. he bothers to walkyou home." ahhhhh!

ok la i think i shall go do my gp essay now. or at least try to.

it was good while it lasted.
sigh.

i hate days like that, seriously, when all i do is stay at home, try to study, watch tv and lie down. then i hate it more when i start tearing and sympathising with myself when i think about how unworthy i am. it makes me wonder real hard, how come i can never be happy for long, how come life is this bad. and then i remind myself of all the happy things but it doesnt work. i play with my brother and try to get things off, but soon i get annoyed and start screaming at him.

i know exactly why i am feeling this way.

and there are so many questions i want to ask. its none of my business but i wanna know.

i want to know. sigh

life is so low right now. so empty.

anyway, farah said this,

love,
Its when u shed tears and still you care for him.
Its when he ignores you and you still long for him.
Its when he begins to love another and yet u still smile and say I'm happy for you.

so true right?

studying with arisa and mary tomorrow.

:( life's so complicated,
i'm so sick and tired of how i've been feeling lately.

at least recently there's been something to look forward to.
though for a short while, i smile and laugh genuinely at that time.

how?
should i tell you what's on my mind?

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain
And I don't think that I could face it all again
I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about
A deeper love I've found in you
And I no longer doubt
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't wanna face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

MARY!! ((: click HERE!

sitting through die hard 4.0 yesterday was quite a torture for me. argh, the movie was so full of action with gunshots here and there, accidents everywhere, fire spreading all over the place. not even 20 mins into the movie and i had a splitting headache already! my cousin enjoyed it thou, its a guys thing i guess?

didn't attend school again today. kinda lazy and tired but i am so bored at home right now. most probably meeting arisa and peiru later.

and so, my mum really thinks that mary and i are together.
today morning,
me: i might be going out later with my friends.
mum: who? mary ah?
me: no la, mary's not my only friend you know. i have other friends too.
mum: oh ya, mary's your boyfriend not your friend.
me: ok..
mum: don have to be embarassed to tell your mum. if he loves you and you love him then its ok la, just don't cross your limits.
I GOT NO TIME FOR MY MOTHER. but i am too tired to get into an argument with her and clear the air, so yea just let it be la, mary & i are together! haha!

and not like my mum wasnt bad enough, my dad went,
"EH how long already you and mary together?"

OH MAN! save me god.

i feel so empty right now.
like there's nothing much to look forward to in the coming days and months.
time just passes so slowly every other day.
and then everyone around you just have their own problems,
and as much as you feel for them and wanna help them,
but you yourself need help with your own problems.

The real me used to laugh all night
Lying in the grass just talkin' bout love
But lately I've been jaded
Life got so complicated
I start thinkin about it
I almost forgot what it was like
To know when it feels right

today stayed at home & did nothing much.
slept, woke up, watched tv, ate, slept, woke up, did gp articles (still haven't completed), slept, woke up
then met mary under my block for an hour plus
and later watching die hard 4.0 at 10.05pm at j8,
not looking forward to it, but my cousin needs company so well, i'll just accompany him.

school's been such a dread and drag!
the holidays just passed and i feel as though i am in need for one more already.
long hours, sleepless nights, piling tutorials that i fail to clear :(
school sucks, it sucks even more when you're in yj.

i'm mentally, physically and emotionally dead.
i've lost the drive for many things already.

but well, on a very very bright note,
TOMORROW I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL!
i gave myself a self-declared holiday where i will catch up on sleep
& dreadful tutorials

argh i am bored. 1255am and i cant sleep!

i hope my plan for tomorrow doesn't fail.
please please please god ((:

today was a very boring and gloomy sunday spent in my room,
no homework done at all.
gp magazine articles still left untouched
& its suppose to be due like last week?
ARGH!

tomorrow shall be a better day! ((:
& a more productive one i hope.
i'm already feeling the monday blues!

maybe just maybe you're irreplaceable or maybe just maybe i am a fool

& so pruny asked, " huh so you mean jurong point is at jurong ah, not sembawang?
HAHAHAHAH!
pruny i'll never forget that ever!
the stupidest singaporean i have ever met!
SERIOUS!

i have to start backing off from people's lives.
i have to stop caring too much!
i'm a silly naive girl
who believes i can safe the world!

my parents think i'm emotionally rundown.
they claim that i have lost the zest in me.
they think i should share my problems with them,
i think they're crazy.

those cupcakes ((:
peppermint or vanilla?
hmms, i think peppermint!
i hope it works a miracle!

im crazy!
goodnight all!
*loves

last night was so so so so so so so so FUN!
met amir & gang under my block at 1.45am!
i was sleeping but they woke me and made sure i came down.
so yea sat, talk cock, drank, got drunk, got really high, played this funny lame game that gave me stomach stitches!

yea amir, had a hangover today morning but it wasn't that bad. just puked a little and had slight headache! but much better now! yea, and i broke my promise of not drinking too. i am sorry ((: i know you're angry right, well it wont happen again! SORRY ((:

& AS FOR TODAY,

OH TODAY I HAVE LAUGHED SO MUCH! ((:
ARISA IS MY HAPPY PILL!

after detention, she came over to my place & ever since then i have been feeling so insanely high! i am feeling tired and i am tired to laugh but she has just been saying things that have been making me laugh non-stop!

so today's live green day and we're suppose to be wearing green. but when arisa saw me at the door just now, she kinda got a shock cause i was wearing a red shirt and not just any ordinary red shirt, it was a NATIONAL DAY shirt! haha! so she was kinda amused at the fact that i was celebrating the wrong day and she reminded me a couple of times that it is earthday and not national day! her facial expressions are priceless! she is just so so cute!

and yea, i haven't been studying! only she is ATTEMPTING maths! ((:

anyway this post looks boring so here are some photos!

the day we watched transformers after H1 maths ((:

check out the idiot who blocked her own face!i like this pic! we're all in our own world!!
SWEET ((:

do you know what its like,
to love someone that's in a rush to get rid of you?

school was okay today!
i passed H2 lit! thats a miracle! ((:
cause i really expected a fail!
WEE!
after school, met peiru and i met farah at junction 8,
ate long john,
honren came,
watched him eat long john,
arisa came, ate secret recipe,
sat down, talk cock,
LEFT ((:
its 9.35 now and i just got home!

been very tired lately!
not sure why!

ok i typed this in 3 mins!
I ROCK!

OUT!

i feel like as though there's an empty void in my life and its slowly eating me on the inside leaving me all crumbled up. the feeling where you feel all alone, like there's no one else around that can make you feel whole again. i feel so depressed and alone. & right now all i need is for someone to be here, right with me. that person doesn't need to have any emotional attachments for me meaning he doesn't have to love me. he just has to be there for me when i need someone.

someone that would care for me every once in a while,
someone who would listen to all my whines,
someone that will fill those lonely depressing nights,
someone who would make me feel loved once in a while,
someone who would tease me and make me smile,
someone that could go crazy with me when i am high,
someone that could be with me through good and bad,
someone that i can smack when i'm down,
someone who would just say i love you once in a while,
& make everything right again.

only someone who is lonely now would understand what i am feeling.
like you need someone to just be that answer, be your companion.
no serious talks,
just pure fun where the both of us feel happy.
where each other's companionship is more than enough.

just that someone, no emotional attachments,
the relationship based on fun, care & concern and some love thrown in.
thats it.

i need that someone right now.
you don't have to love me to make this happen,

well this is whats been on my mind for quite some time now.
i don wanna be alone anymore.
neither do i want anything serious cause i'm outta luck.
you and me, and our perfect world full of fun.

i need a toyboy,
ok maybe not that kinda guy,
just like a part-time boyfriend,
who's willing to be my companion.
we'll just go on or as long as we can stand one another
or things might just change and we may get emotionally attached someday,
but for now, its alright.
((:

& i'll be nice too and give you all that i can too!
we'll be happy fools!
we' just fill the spaces in each other's life,
and try to make one another's life perfect!

anyone, be my companion/part time bf.
i am serious
it takes one lonely heart to understand another lonely heart.

will you be my companion?


SCHOOL'S OKAY!
BORING AS USUAL!

my dad's having a fucking bad pms now,
& my mum aggravating the situation, makes it worst.
my brother & i are victims of all the fuck thats happening.

motherfuckers.

& from today, it will all change.
this time, i'm sure it will.

it's not the end, its only just beginning ((:

that day, that day that was worth so much memories.

& so i got back two papers already, chem and math,
maths results was horrible cause i actually expected a pass, not a high pass, but a pass at least & so its very disappointing. chem, passed, thank god but as a retainee, i think my marks gotta go. fuck la, really disappointing. though i didn't study for maths at all, and studied chem but not all topics, still i wish i had done better. i'm quite a failure. study or never study, fucking no difference. bitch.

something is bothering me but i can't say it out here. my heart feels so heavy.

take me hold me want me need me love me hug me kiss me take me hurt me stab me kill me & free me.

i think i shall study today. i'm in the mood of being productive.

& it really really did hurt a whole fucking lot.

catching no ball with my post today?

ala, this random post gotta stop right now!

time is laying heavy on my heart
seems i've got too much of it
since we've been apart
my friends make me smile
if only for a while
you can make me whole again

looking back on when we first met
i cannot escape and i can not forget
baby you're the one
you still turn me on
you can make me whole again

so now i'll have to wait
but baby if you change you mind
don't be too late
cause i just can't go on
it's already been too long
you can make me whole again

HAPPY YOUTH DAY YOUTHS!

TODAY, yet again, i spend the day with farah, arisa & mary ((: so mary, arisa & i went down to SP to meet farah. well we sat in macs and i swear to god we bitched about every other student that walked past. the outrageous hairdos, the malfunctioned wardrobe that calls for fashion police, those unsightly footwear, those old indian men who are students, i pity farah seriously. then farah took us for a tour ard SP. FUCKING TIRING! SP is so so so huge and mary, arisa and i were dead tired at the end of the tour. when farah meant tour, i swear she fucking meant it.

then headed over to jurong point for a while where i witnessed mary playing the drums in the arcade! haha! he is damn good at it! and he tells me, he's not that good, they're better drummers!

then after that went back to bishan, met fadhil, walked around j8 and watched him binge, and he pulled my legs till jurong!

yea thats about it, came back fucking tired and dead.
pardon the fucks in the post.

don't you find it funny how someone can break your heart into a million pieces and you still love them with all the little pieces? it kinda intrigues me. and as much as we try our best to reason out why we sould get over the person, the heart always stops us from doing so. and as much as we know that things are not meant to be, we still give ourselves that little glimmer of hope though we know ultimately we're not going to get what(who) we want. and in the end we hurt ourselves more. is this really love, cause i thought love's not suppose to hurt.

i have to learn to let go cause i've lost what i've got.

[edit]
i was sitting on my bed, and i started laughing when i remembered this,
you may not understand it, inside jokes.
farah: complete my sentence. YOU SUCK...
ginny: I ROCK?
farah: no, wanna try again, you suck..
mary & ginny: MY DICK!
hahah!!

and and and PEIRU'S AN ALBINO INDIAN AND I AM A TINTED CHINESE!
hahahaha!

these people make my day, i fucking swear
[/edit]

woke up at 12.45 today, no actually woke up at 8 plus, then slept again, then woke up at 9 plus then slept again, then woke up at 1245 then i didnt get back to sleep. met mary and yongwen at amk park macs! ((: and yes met my muhd fadhil bin musa too who shouted my name pretty loud? haha! felt quite happy to see him la! yea, so sat and talked, then walked ard amk park, then went to j8 in hopes to take neoprints but of all fucking days they had to close it today. so i walked for like 5 mins and had to leave cause my mum wanted me to follow her somewhere.

& today i must add, i was quite happy,
cause i saw mary laugh and smile ((:
that was heartwarming!

yongwen((:yongwen wanted spastic pics.
ah lian shots, those get it?
mary seemed to be quite comfortable!fadhil ((:
yongwen & mary got me this, so sweet! thank u! ((:

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
i dont wanna be alone,
i wanna be yours.